Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Everyone says I win the strip club
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
