i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
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