Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
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