Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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