I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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