so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
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