I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
its liver damage thursday
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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