why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
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