I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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