Have you finally orgasmed yet?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
