And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
