if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Still dying that you shit outside
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
