I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
