i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
