Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
