obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
