I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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