I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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