I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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