I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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