Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
