I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
