dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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