im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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