He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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