So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
