I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Your cock deserves a montage
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
