I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
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