After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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