Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Randomize
