"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
