I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Randomize
