That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
