im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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