when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just invented taco cereal.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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