if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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