Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
