I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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