please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
