he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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