My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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