just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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