I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
