Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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