spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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