Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
