good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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