i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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