found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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