Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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