My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
