I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Randomize
