The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
