Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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