I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Randomize
