Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
