You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
