yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
